Goodbye bear hugs.

Grandpa passed away yesterday. I tried to sleep, but every time I close my eyes he is there. I keep reminding myself of him. I see his smiling face... i see his smile on the end of the dock while helps me bait my fishing hook. I see his smile on Christmas watching us open our gifts, i see him sitting in his chair doing a crossword puzzle, i smell the comforting smell of his tobacco pipe, i hear his laugh, i feel the last "bear hug" I ever gave him. He was a wonderful man. A man so worthy of all of the love he received. A man who didn't deserve the disease that overcame him. My Grandpa was a fantastic human being and I already miss him like crazy. There are so many happy memories to keep me company. To me my Grandpa will always be with me, my Grandpa will always be camping and fishing. He will be crossword puzzles and wheel of fortune. He will be tobacco pipes and chocolate fudge. Most of all he will always be big warm engulfing bear hugs. My grandpa gave the kind of hugs you could curl up and sleep in. The kind of hug that when he squeezed you tight, you knew he was throwing in an extra bit of love to get you through until next time. I will miss those bear hugs, I am sad to know I will never get one again, but I am comforted in knowing that I received a lifetime worth of them, and I can cherish what I was given. My Grandpa gave me a lifetime worth of happy memories that I will carry with me always, but more importantly he gave me his love, and any one who has ever been on the receiving end of Ed Ramsey's love knows that it is something to be cherished. So that is what I will do, I will mourn his loss but I will remember to cherish what Grandpa gave me, because Edward Ramsey Sr. is a man who deserves nothing less that to be cherished always.


 Grandpa, I am sorry I couldn't be with you at the end. I love you more than words.

Shame.

Today I'm feeling like such a failure, and I'm even too ashamed to admit why. Putting something off until the very last minute is not the smartest thing to do.

Why so hard on yourself?

Since I've become a mother I've noticed a reoccurring theme in my thought patterns. Every few weeks I start REALLY doubting my ability as a mother. Of course I have my daily trials, but every few weeks I just dwell on the fact that I feel like I'm not living up to my mothering potential. I try my best to keep a cool head and be present with my children. I make sure that almost daily we play games, learn things, experiment, have important conversations and just make life fun. Above all else I make sure that I tell my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them every opportunity I get. How can that not seem enough? Every time I lose my temper and raise my voice, I beat myself up over it. When my children don't listen to me, when they throw a fit, when they have an attitude (yes, even my 1 and a half year old) I feel like it's MY fault. Is it because I don't have a network of mothers with kids my kids age to share horror stories with? Is it because (even if i did have that network) most mothers wouldn't dare share the horror stories in fear of seeming inadequate in others eyes? Or it it, in fact, that I am actually doing something wrong?
I know that parenting doesn't come with a manual. I know that every Jane, Jill, and Sally will tell you a different way to teach, punish and rear your children and that all of those methods worked for them but may not work for you. It is extremely frustrating. My husband tells me all the time how wonderful of a mother I am and how much he loves me for that... How can I believe that he believes that but not believe what he is saying? Am I overly hard on myself or is this something all mothers do? Does my worrying this much about it make me a good mother or just a crazy one?
It's so easy to look in on other peoples "surfaces" and think that they're doing a better job parenting than I am because when it comes down to the nitty gritty I really know jack about their lives, but it's easy to start comparing myself to the "them" I think I know and I just make myself feel horrible. I need to start working on this. I need to start finding ways to make myself believe I am doing an alright job. But how?

Remodeled religion?

I grew up in church. Almost literally. A majority of my childhood was spent in the walls of a church. I'm thankful for that. It instilled morals in me that I wouldn't have had otherwise (although I'm sure some people wouldn't believe that about me.) Around the year 2000, for one reason or another, I stopped going to church. Since then I've done some things I'm not proud of. I've also done some things I am extremely proud of. The thing is (and correct me if I'm wrong) as a child you go to church and your taught the difference between right and wrong; the difference between what is Godly and ungodly. You're taught to live your life in a way that you won't be afraid to answer to one day when you're called to heaven. But when you're a child you have very few opportunities to exercise these teachings because, for the most part, all children are good. Sure, they steal a cookie from the cookie jar, or push Timmy down on the playground, and learning that this is wrong is important. But later in life, when you're a teenager and you're faced with the REAL world; that's when these morals are really put to the test. I'd be lying if I said I've always kept my morals in the front of my mind and never done anything ungodly. I drank underage, I dabbled in a few drugs, and I was not a virgin until I was married... I even (wait for it...) had children out of wedlock. BUT, though the morals weren't FRONT AND CENTER, they were there. Even when I was doing things I knew I shouldn't be my morals kept me from taking it too far. I could have done a LOT worse for myself in my (excuse my french) hell raising years.

The thing is, now I'm "grown up" and I have kids of my own. I want those morals instilled in them. I think it's important that my children are given the opportunities I was as a child. I think it's important that we go to church as a family. It's important that they're taught the word of God better than I can teach them. It's important that they make friends who believe the same things they do and have the same moral code they're being taught. I've been looking and looking for a church to "try out" but I keep running in to the same problem everywhere I look. In the years I've been absent from the "church scene" it seems that religion has been remodeled.

When did it stop being cool to go to church and sing a hymn from the hymnal? When did rock bands find their way in to Sunday morning service? What's wrong with putting on a dress on Sunday morning and going to church and singing Ode to Joy, or Amazing Grace?  I know this shouldn't bother me. I know that it really isn't such a big deal. I'd probably get over it if I would just visit. I just don't understand. What happened to a church with a steeple? All of the churches that are teaching the word of God they way I'd like my children to hear it seem to be afraid to be too religious? It's weird? Isn't it? These (what do you call them?) "new age" churches are teaching the word of God and that's good, but it seems like they're not holding any one to the standards God sets forth? It's like "God says no one is perfect, so you don't have to try to be". Forgive me but it seems the point is to try to be more Christ like, correct? Am I just wrong? Probably;  I am. I'll have to kiss a few frogs before I keep judging these churches. They're probably perfectly great. I'm just having a hard time with this remodeled religion... that's all. I just want to find a church somewhere in between Old School and New School. Do those exist?

Goodbye

My great grandmother passed away yesterday. She was 97 years old and every bit as ready to go as we, who loved her, were ready to keep her. 97 is a long time to walk the earth. 27 years is a long time to be able to say one has a great grandmother. i was able to say i had a great grandfather until i was 24. I've been lucky. I've been exceptionally lucky. Not only did I have great grandparents, i KNEW them. I LOVED them. They were wonderful people. Any one that knew them, knows that they lived long fulfilling happy lives. Both Daddy Bill and Nanny did not have "quick" passings. Their bodies weakened over time until they finally couldn't fight anymore. It was no surprise yesterday when my mom called to tell me Nanny had gone home to be with Daddy Bill. I know she's no longer in pain, I know she is a trillion times happier now than she was yesterday. She's probably a trillion times happier now than she was at her happiest moment on earth. Why shouldn't she be? She's in heaven. She's back with Daddy Bill. 

I know I'm allowed to mourn her death. So why do I feel silly being so sad? I'd prepared myself for this. I guess all the preparation in the world is worth a hill of beans when your loved one is actually gone. I just keep thinking about their home... empty. All of the Christmas Eves spent there (my favorite memories), singing Christmas songs, eating home made fudge, sitting by the wood burning stove and feeling at home with such a loving family. I'll never be in that room with either of them again. That is hard to swallow. It's easy enough to accept, but hard as hell to swallow.

 I wish my children and my husband could have known the both of them. Not MET them but KNOWN them. They were exceptional people. They were hard working, god fearing, family loving people. People today just aren't wired the way they were. Married so young and madly in love until their deaths. Whether I've ever known it before now or not, they GREATLY influenced my life. Looking at them, so madly in love, i unconsciously decided to NEVER settle for less than that.They convinced that marriage is NOT a temporary thing. Through good and bad, marriage is worth the work it takes. They taught me that. 

I'm really going to miss her. I really miss him. 

Rest in peace my GREAT grandparents. I'll forever love you Daddy Bill and Nanny.

 

What is it about boys!?!?!?!

Seriously.
I'm new to this whole "boy" thing. Seeing how I grew up with two sisters, it's hard for me to understand how GROSS things seem to be encoded in the male DNA. Gavin is ONE year old and already I've caught him picking up dog poop, playing in the toilet, trying to spit, headbutting EVERYTHING, tackling anything that moves (including me), eating anything that looks remotely edible (including his crib), licking the dog, purposely smelling his feet... the list goes on.

Kathryn is 4 and I've, honest to God, NEVER EVER caught her doing any of the aforementioned things. 

Boys... tsk tsk. I'll say this; he keeps my days interesting.

Here's to a new beginning.

Here's a quick recap.
March 3, 2011 - Bo and I got MARRIED! (Hooray!)
September 2011 - Kathryn turned FOUR.
October 2011 - Gavin turned ONE.
March 2012 - We bought a HOUSE!

Can I just say that my life (with the exception of packing) has NOT sucked this past year. I get to stay at home with my children and watch them grow, learn and play every day. Which, believe me, is not with out its stresses, but in the overall it's totally worth it. I also have a husband who is willing to work his rear off to provide for us to be sure we're taken care of. And on top of it all we FINALLY moved and bought a spectacular house! It's a wonderful home. It's a huge home and a lot of work to keep clean, but it is spectacular. We are settled in for sure, but now we just have to decorate. All of the walls are WHITE and it's driving me crazy. I'm just going to go room by room until it's finished. Kathryn and Gavin LOVE it. Not many people know but Gavin didn't even have his own room at our old house. You'd think a one year old wouldn't notice that but man, that boy LOVES his room. He sleeps better at night and during the day when we're upstairs he'll just go in there, sit down, and just play with his toys or look at a book. It makes my heart happy. Kathryn is the same. She loves her new room. We've been playing online and looking at things like colors and what not for her room. She's excited to help decorate it.

Something about this house (weather it be us actually buying it, or it just being a fresh start) has made me feel like SUCH an adult. I have this urge inside to just get my sh*t together and be the best of everything I can be. I keep the house clean, cook 3 meals a day, go for a walk with Marley and the kids every day... I don't know, this move has just sparked a change in me. I just want to be a better person. I want to be the kind of parent I think I should be. Does that sound crazy?

Speaking of cooking three meals a day, I'm trying to come up with a menu for every day for two weeks. It shouldn't be hard I guess, but I'm finding it extra difficult. Any kid friends, easy, yet tasty meal suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

So, I have to get Kathryn's stuff together to get her registered for Pre-K. Talk about overwhelming. I've been looking online around here for top notch Pre-K programs and every time I start looking my heart sinks to my stomach and I'm riddled with anxiety. I mean, how do parents do this? How do you convince yourself that these strangers are going to care for your child and adequately educate them. How do you trust strangers with your kids? It terrifies me. I've always been a bit of an over protective mother anyway so this is KILLING me. However, I have no fears that Kathryn will preform less that brilliantly at school. She's so smart it makes my heart swell with pride. Not to mention that she's probably the friendliest girl I've ever met. I worry a little that she'll get her heart broken by mean girls, because she's just so nice. Kathryn leaving this toddler stage and becoming a full blown kid is opening an entire new area of worries. MUCH SCARIER worries than the baby worries. These worries involve my child branching out in to the real world where it's much harder for me to be with her and protect her every minute of the day. I think about it and want to cry, SERIOUSLY, right now... I am tearing up just thinking about it. Is that normal?

I've still got Gavin for a few more years and man, oh man, he's already a handful. He's is a blend of hilarity, insanity, stubbornness, kindness, love, and genius all rolled in to one. Oh, and lets not forget that temper. Through all of that he's grown into such a charismatic kid that every time I look at him i want to scoop him up, squeeze him and tell him how wonderful he is. I want to remind him that he's so amazing and will be able to do ANYTHING he puts his mind to in life. He exudes confidence. It's not the confidence of a toddler. You know, the confidence that no matter what they do it'll be okay because they just don't know any better? Not that confidence. The confidence that pours out of him screams, I can do it because I am awesome. I hope that confidence never waivers. I pray he finds a way to keep that confidence but balance it with some humility. If he can achieve that he really will be unstoppable in life.

Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell these days. I'm still madly in love with my entire family. Super madly in love with my husband and so thankful to have been blessed with him. I'm really really one lucky gal.

One. Lucky. Gal.